I've had a big problem for a long time. And as I start to "fix" it, I'm becoming a healthier and fuller person. A big inspiration behind my new project and vision comes out of this growth.
You could call it "people pleasing," but honestly it's a lot deeper than that. It's the inability to tolerate the feeling of disappointing others — doing something that's right for you, that inconveniences or upsets someone else, or simply is because "you want to."
If you find yourself compulsively doing things out of obligation, or you don't know how to say no. If you find yourself feeling guilty frequently, you may want to keep reading.
I thought it was coming from a good place. To me it was just "me." I thought I was just noble, or selfless, or caring. But honestly, that wasn't it.
Many of us are trapped in an invisible fence — deeper programming in our minds that we are completely blind to. Where we will do everything and anything to avoid breaking these unwritten rules:
"Upsetting, disappointing, or inconveniencing others is unacceptable."
"If your needs or wants collide with someone else's — theirs come first."
"If you see a need, it's your job to fix it, and if you don't, you're selfish and bad."
I know this is true because it took me 35 years to see it myself.
Having 24 patients on my schedule, and someone with a cough calling, "really wanting to be seen" — and me, at the end of the week, completely exhausted and drained, saying OK. After all, how could I say no? They're such a great patient. I can just do one more.
Being a mom, and taking on simply everything. For kids, spouse, friends.
Or maybe being in a relationship, or a situation that doesn't feel right — but you know if you leave someone or something, they will be absolutely crushed.
Maybe to some people this sounds like a foreign concept. To them it's obvious — if you don't want to do something, don't do it! Well, for some of us — that wasn't how we operated.
The crazy thing is — I think it's actually more noble, and "better," to be the person who simply does things that feel right. Can do things because they "want to," and doesn't absorb every responsibility. The person who is capable of disappointing others — or even can tolerate being seen as "selfish."
And here's why.
It's not our job as humans to anticipate the needs of everyone and frantically try to fulfill them. It was never our job to take on every responsibility. It was never our job to carry things that some of us have been trying to. And when we do, something inside of us dies and breaks. It may not happen for a while — but it will eventually.
Unfortunately, I see this a lot in medicine, and in communities like Westport, with highly conscientious and hard-working people. And I totally get it, and I'm working through this myself.
Your worthiness and goodness doesn't come from this.
And I think deep down, whether we see it or not, what's really happening under the hood for people who struggle with this is this belief: that if we break these unwritten rules, we're somehow worthless, or condemned.
I know it doesn't always "feel" like that in the moment when you're saying yes to something you don't want to, but deep down, I think that's what's going on.
I think we're best when we shed these rules — and start being able to do things we want to, or should do, even if someone else is upset. Or learn that just because you see a problem, doesn't mean it's always your job to fix it. And finally learn that being valuable doesn't have to mean always being "selfless" — you ultimately can find a more authentic version of yourself.
That's where we thrive, enjoy life, find joy — and by the way, be of more service in the long run.
Best,
Stephen